Dear Joel,
Hi little buddy. This is your 2021 self writing you. Remember when you used to sit through Dragon Ball with your brothers just because Sailor Moon started right after? Actually, you’re probably at the age when this is happening. Our parents would let you watch Sailor Moon but would make sure to remind you you couldn’t get any of the toys because that was only for girls. You didn’t understand why. They never said anything about Goku and, in fact, you thought all his yelling and punching was obnoxious. You preferred a show about hanging out with your friends and relying on each other to save the world. You looked up to the Sailor Scouts. Just like Goku and his friends, they were all superheroes protecting everyone on Earth.
Sometimes you would mimic the Scouts’ attacks and be scolded for acting like them. “No seas niña”, they would say. You thought to yourself: I just want to be a superhero, too. You began to feel there was something wrong with you for liking the things you liked — just as you were beginning to have an opinion on what you liked. You started hiding how you felt about this show rather than be told, again, that you weren’t acting like you should. You could tell it made your parents uncomfortable and you didn’t want them to be unhappy, either. Go play soccer instead! Go watch Goku instead! It didn’t matter that you didn’t like doing either of those things. If it meant avoiding conflict, then fine we’d do it.
Buddy, I’m here to tell you that as much as you tried to deny having Usagi in your life, she is here to stay. Just last week, I watched the newest movies in the series. The joy we find in seeing her and her friends believe in each other and fight together is still here all these years later. But one thing has changed: we don’t have to hide this joy anymore. I talk about the show with many of my friends. I watch it whenever I feel like seeing them save the day again. I throw my head back and laugh at the goofy attack names like “Twinkle Yell!” and yes, even “Moon Gorgeous Meditation!”.
I know it hurt you to be told all the things you cannot be. You wanted to have infinite power like the Scouts and the Saiyans so you could protect everyone! Be everything! Face anything! And not have to second-guess your own strength…your worth.
I’m remembering also how you wanted to try out mom’s heels because you had seen the Scouts wear them. But we were told that was wrong. That wanting to be like them was wrong because you were a boy and they were girls. Truly, we wanted to be like our mom because we loved her and she loved us. You wondered, then, if you weren’t supposed to look up to her, our aunts, our grandmother.
I know how sad that made you feel. I wish I could go back to that moment and tell you there was nothing wrong with you for being loving, and loving who and what you loved. So I’ll tell you this now:
There is nothing wrong with you.
Know that like Sailor Moon, you are eternal. You are the stuff of stars: cosmic dust that has existed in a billion different forms across just as many ages. That dust now happened to form into your brown eyes and your tender, blooming heart that breaks when you accidentally step on a snail. Know that you are limited only by your own belief in yourself. There is no singular expression of who you are.
You are limitless.
Your quirky tastes will only get quirkier but it is part of what makes you you. It is what will allow you to connect with so many people and help you feel less alone. Less in the wrong for existing as you do. You’ll start baking, and singing, and coding, and talking a lot about trees, and listening to Metal Moms, and inviting your friends to roller skate at a church. Many of these same friends will attend your half-birthday party even though no one (not even you) has a clue as to what that is. There will be many more times you’ll hear people try and decide for you who you can be. And when you get older, you’ll notice adults tell other kids the same thing. You’ll be reminded of how limited you felt. How endless and wonderful the world seemed to you until you were told you couldn’t explore it all.
The hurt doesn’t go away entirely. With age, you’ll be more understanding. You’ll be able to see that the people hurting you, are hurt themselves. They have probably been told they can’t do many things as well. It will be up to you to decide if you want to stand up for yourself or ignore these people. Whatever will make you feel free is worth it. Our freedom is worth it all.
The day you decide to try on make-up, let your hair grow long, or put pink glitter on your face for a concert, remember what a messy, but very free, punk star once said: “I’m not ashamed to dress ‘like a woman’ because I don’t think it’s shameful to be a woman.”
Our parents will learn to love you as you are. They will change and want you to feel happy wherever or whomever you choose to be. They will not always understand you, but they will trust you.
Trust in yourself as well. Like them, you’ll have to unlearn many things too. It will be painful, but every battle will strengthen you and help you transform into an even more beautiful and compassionate guardian of love and justice just like Sailor Moon.
I’m writing this the day after Usagi’s birthday and the last day of Pride Month. It seemed a fitting time to remind you to be proud of all that you are. Remember your tender heart I mentioned? That same heart often holds much too much so others don’t have to know your sadness. I want to advice you to let yourself be known. There is so much to be proud of and limiting yourself will always be more painful than letting others do so.
I’ll leave you with this:
Dream bigger and deeper than you’ve been told is possible. It’s all here. It’s all in you. There is nothing wrong with you.
Love,
Joel
